12 things you can do to learn to trust again

T R U S T is a simple seven-letter word. Another one that carries so much weight. Trust is the soul of any relationship. It's the super glue that binds it together. If you have it, this is the reason why you can fall asleep next to your partner at night and feel at peace; the reason that Ding text, or ring phone did not shoot off the alarm; the reason that your partner works late is not to trigger an alarm attack. Lack of trust, however, has the opposite effect. This causes unbearable psychological suffering. She turned you into a spy as you look for clues that will confirm your suspicions. It pits you against your worst fears. She makes you sick, and she's hyper-vigilant; it keeps you wondering in the night am I not good enough? It's my fault? Do we all have Sham? What will people think? If your confidence has been disheveled, you may feel hopeless. But there is also good news. A bond that was stained by betrayal can be saved. As Jannis Vilhauer, PhD, writes in her article in Psychology Today:((Psychology Today: how to rebuild trust with someone who hurt you))

"Relationships are very complex and, depending on the circumstances, betrayal doesn't necessarily mean the end of the relationship."

Like an elaborate tapestry, the relationship is colossally multiplexed. I understand that trust was broken because something in the relationship was broken. Are you willing to invest the time and effort it takes to save what took you years to build? Are you ready to find the missing pieces that made the relationship crumble? If so, then you can put the pieces back together. Let's learn some ways to do it...

1. Get Clarity

When infidelity occurs, it feels catastrophic. Emotions are fragile, fingers are pointed and a fight ensues. But no event that great is born in a vacuum. Things happen for a reason. To gain clarity, you must dig deep. Was there something that should have been addressed, but instead of being ignored? Talk to your partner. Find out what happened and why. You will not be angry, no doubt, but if you want to make peace, you must listen. The answers often reveal corrosion poisoning relationships prior to the event. Betrayal is a symptom, not a real problem. In her article, How to Repair Shattered Trust in Relationships, Dr. Magdalena Battles, talks about "Going!" She writes,

“Both sides need to be ready to sit down at the table and be honest, open and vulnerable. They also need to care enough to be willing to put in the effort necessary to make the relationship work."

If this does not happen, then the relationship will certainly die in a pile of pain, regret and resentment.

2. Discover motivation

People do things for different reasons. As a rule, these reasons are essential and rational of the person who makes them. They may feel hurt, lonely, and/or misunderstood. Sometimes an outsider does work that the other partner is unable to do. For example, in the movie Thief of hearts, Mickey Davis, played by Barbara Williams, has been consistently ignored by her husband, Ray Davis, played by John Getz, whose primary focus is writing. They always work against the deadline. His wife is nothing but an accessory in his life. It doesn't take long for a meeting with a beautiful stranger, played by Steven Bauer, to open up her lonely heart and her fall, heart first, into action. He gives her all the attention she doesn't get from her husband. Of course, it helps that he is a thief, has stolen all of her diaries, and now knows her deep, dark desires and desires. Motivation plays an important role in whether or not your relationship can be saved. Self-neglect, sexual dissatisfaction, anger, lack of commitment can all lead to infidelity. You may blame yourself for what happened, you may even have been involved in it. Again, you may not have had anything to do with it. In an article by A. Pavlovsky, she states: ((today: cheating: 8 reasons why people cheat))

"You could get it right and your partner could still be tempted to cheat for reasons that have nothing to do with you or the quality of the feeling you share."

3. Rebuild relationships

How valuable is your relationship to you? Once the dust settles after the betrayal, ask yourself the following questions: Am I willing to commit for him/her despite what happened? Do I still love him/her? Will I be able to do what it takes to get through this crisis? Terry Gaspard, MMZ, LICSW, in his paper at the Gottman Institute writes:((at the Gottman Institute: learn to love again after a romance))

“Do you have enough admiration and respect left to save the relationship? Be honest and ask yourself: do we really still have fun together and enjoy each other's company most of the time?

If you answered yes to these questions, then despite the long journey, it will be a worthy job. If you're loyal to each other, willing to explore the situation, and work to fix it, you can pull through and get out on the other side. Once you make up your mind, move forward. Not half-heartedly do not work on it. It has to be all or nothing. If you're halfway in, that means you're halfway there.

Do not miss:  Omega 3 or "fish oil" and several reasons to start taking it

4. Consider Marriage Therapy

In some cases, rebuilding trust and that can be too much of a challenge. In this case, perhaps family therapy is in order. With a trained professional, you can tackle questions that you might not be able to do sitting at home, chatting over a bottle of wine, and asking, “Was she better than me? Tell me everything! I want to know all the details." You don't really know, but I won't go into that here. Outside help is an invaluable tool. You will learn how to navigate the Rocky Roads. And that's exactly what you need at a fragile interface like the one you're dealing with. Find out more about this here: Relationship Counseling for You? Find Your Answer Here

5. Forgive

You fought for your relationship; worked tirelessly to go beyond what happened. Your relationship is even more tender, but at least you are still together and working to keep it that way. Sometimes, however, even if you are still together and you think you made it through the crisis, anger and resentment linger. All this is unforgivable. The victim may begin to use this to their advantage. "You have nothing to say about (blah, blah, blah), especially after what you've done!" The hurt party can hang betrayal over their partner's head, reminding them constantly that they better listen to me or else. Because of what happened, the hurt participant feels entitled, and perhaps even becomes a little punished. In order to truly go beyond the event, there must be forgiveness. On both sides. The traitor may feel so guilty that they can barely stand on their own. In fact, they may start agreeing to things they shouldn't. Forgiveness, while not easy, is the key to relationship survival.

6. Give it time

My son required jaw surgery when he was 19 years old. It was quite an ordeal. After the surgeon broke his jaw and put it back together, my son's jaw was held together for six weeks in order for proper healing to take place. He could only eat soft food through a small syringe into his mouth. It took a month and a half before his jaw was healed. Unfortunately, betrayal is not like jaw surgery. It's much worse. Repairing a broken heart requires the skill of a surgeon and a lot of time. You're looking at about 18 months to three years, depending on how long you've been together. If you are ready to make your relationship work, patience is critical. You'll be the nurses' anger, sadness, disbelief, insecurity, maybe some even hurt. This is a full plate. Take it one loving at a time. Say things when necessary. After all, if you keep those tiny steps, you will get healed!

Do not miss:  How to choose the right urban backpack

7. Be Transparent

…how beautiful to see through the window pane! In order to regain trust, the guilty party must be absolutely transparent. Betrayed do not think there are any secrets. Secrecy will create additional distrust. For example, when the phone rings, don't say, "I have to accept this," and go to another room. How to trust Thrasher, a lot of darning to do. Let's put aside the fact that you feel like your privacy is being invaded. You don't deserve it right now. You will need to re-earn their trust in order to be open.

8. Break Ties Completely

If you are a person who has betrayed your partner, you must cut all ties with the interloper. That means no calls, no texts, no letters, no coffee dates. Not the last meeting for "closing". No contact means no contact. If this is the end, then let it end. Your partner deserves. You may have had your reasons for doing what you did, but a better reason is to repair your relationship. This cannot happen if you are in contact with the "other" person. Your partner will not be able to regain trust if they know that you are still seeing and talking to the person who almost ruined your life.

9. I don't remember events!

When you arrive at the point where you have collected most of the debris, rebuilt your life, and feel like you can move on, move on. It means I don't remember what happened. This will only serve to open the wound. Imagine severely cutting yourself. You will get a few stitches and get it tied up. Instead of treating her, you keep removing the bandages and ripping out the stitches just to look at the damage. Ouch! If you really want your relationship to become solid again, put the matter in the past and leave it there. Find out what happened, make the necessary adjustments, then move forward. Talk about it ad nauseam, just keep the pain alive.

10. Do what you say you are going to do!

If you are a traitor, then this is very important: do not lie! Say what you think and think what you say. Even the smallest lies, "white" lies, if you could raise doubts, sprouted, and the result was your relationship taking another hit. At this point, irreversible damage may be done. Be consistent, reliable and honest.

11. Do things that bring you comfort and joy before the “event”

After this event, it is easy to get buried in the rubble; hard to get out. But here's the encouraging news: your relationship isn't defined by what happened. There were good years before the betrayal, right? Now, it's time to pull from that reserve. Sit down with your partner. Talk about all the things you used to do when you were both happy; about all the places you went that made you feel warm and cozy. It's time to get back to them. Start dating. It's psychological to take you back to the good old days. Rely on them. Then create new moments. Betrayal always creates a big mess, leaving innumerable emotional detritus in its wake. Betrayal has sharp claws. It takes a lot of work to heal scars. But they can be healed. Sometimes things need to be torn down in order to restore them better and stronger.

12. Sorry

Leave your remorse. Be authentic. It goes a long way to start making things right. Do what it takes to let your partner know how truly sorry. The suggestions listed above may work. But there is a desire to try, a commitment to do whatever is necessary, and a decision that the relationship is worth keeping. But only you can make this decision. So what will it be?

Please rate the article
Translate »