at the end of the year, when most of the world celebrates family holidays, you can't help but reconsider the status of your own family relationships. As marketers work hard to paint the perfect relationship in every commercial that comes your way, you're almost certain that having to overcome your challenges is more the exception than the rule. True, all family relationships are multidimensional structures, where often polar feelings are combined. Children love their parents, but also harm them the most. Parents want the best for their species but often confuse it with what is best for them. We have many expectations for our family and the stakes are high. That's why it's difficult when we try to contact them. Every time you feel an ocean-big gap between you and someone who shares the same blood, it's not a moment to take out even more with a sigh of “Well, that's my family.” This is a pretty good opportunity to reconsider the beliefs you hold about your family and what makes a family strong. The following are simple and effective reminders that in those moments when you feel like your family has fallen apart in some unique ways, it will help you strengthen your bonds with your relatives, not weaken them.
1. Shared DNA doesn't mean you want the same.
Let's say you get angry when your parents tell you to keep your head down and work hard at a job that you don't like. Or you are frustrated with your cousins who seem to be content with their lives and whose ambitions to stop them from finding a good deal on a pair of shoes at the store. Career, life aspirations, politics, personal hygiene - all topics in which we constantly find ourselves disagreeing with our family members. If we share the same genetic code, why should our views on these things be different? To avoid conflict, we put those topics in an ever-growing imaginary jar of what we disagree about. And then we tiptoe around her or minimize communication with those who hold different opinions. Both make us feel more isolated, as if we can never have a frank conversation with our own family. The reality is that DNA is powerful, but it's not the only factor in play when people form their views. Your relatives grew up at different times, surrounded by different people, reading different books, and going to different schools. By understanding this, you can stop expecting the same from them as you do. Instead of cultivating the mindset that conflicting views kill family relationships, you can try to see how differences make you more diverse and thus stronger as a group. Instead of taking on the impossible task of changing your family members, learn to appreciate them for who they are.
2. Don't get on a mission to explain to them everything they fail at
Have you ever felt the urge to coach your family members on what they are doing wrong in their lives? The sense of responsibility to point out mistakes along the way can be quite strong. Because if it wasn't for you, who else would tell your lonely sister to go and try new places? Who else would have made it clear to your father that he should accept this job? When you do this, your intentions may be good. This is your way of providing support and sharing experiences. You may even really feel like you are providing solutions. But, on the other hand, there is a person, reminded in some way she or he is inadequate in this world. The layer that is on top of the questions the individual is already dealing with. No wonder they close up and step back. Realizing that it is not your mission to remind your family members of your failures is critical to strengthening your relationship with them. They already know when they made mistakes. Holding space for someone is different than initiating an unwanted, impromptu "coaching session." I honestly forces someone into your interpretation of their grievances, just let them be. This means that self-respecting agencies of your family members own mistakes, while not turning them into the agenda of every meeting. Your sympathy is more valuable than your advice, however well thought out is possible.
3. Watch for ways to kill the initiative
It's a high chance that plans went wrong for you or no plans at all rank quite high among the things you'd rather avoid. So, you resort to planning things in advance. Year after year you arrange a family trip where you do all the work and everyone else just has to show up. In your clan, you are a solid organizer of every gathering there. And when, one day, you decide to let go of your usual role, nothing happens. No, the initiative comes from the other side and you can't help but wonder if you are the only one who needs it. Congratulations, you may have mastered the art of choking the initiative of your family members without even realizing it. our family. You want to make your way so that there are no unknowns. And they, on the other hand, get used to this aspect of hiding behind you. So you end up frustrated by their lack of initiative and they are genuinely surprised, thinking you always loved to do. When you start noticing places where you could preempt initiatives from your family members, you will start letting them contact you on their own terms. They may not always be the way you prefer it, but a two-way connection is stronger than a tie when you're the only one always in control.
4. Unquestioned subsidies, may be the way to severed the relationship
You can take the financial struggles of your family members personally, especially when you are doing well. You will never think twice to give a helping hand in difficult times. However, often the real difficulty is, and your help comes in the form of sponsorship. For example, you work in a big city and your second cousin from a small town asks you to help his son get a job. Or your sister has a bad credit score, so she asks you to put a car lease in her name. You certainly see how much you are able to help here. At the same time, you know what you are assuming as a reputational and financial liability that will remain there for a while. And, whatever you do, this will always be the background of the theme of your relationship with this relative. Saying "no" to a favor or request for financial assistance from your relatives can raise your eyebrows. What's more, it can make you feel like your own values are clashing somewhere deep inside. It is difficult to overestimate the manipulative powers of these situations! Feeling guilty about not caring enough for a person or cause can turn your hard shoulder into hangers for the duty of others. At this point, what you wanted to avoid by doing a favor - alienating them - becomes inevitable. When you learn this trap, a firm no, however difficult, will be what ultimately saves the family a tie.
5. Don't let resentment grow
You may recall from your experience when you decided to close serious disagreements with family members. You don't decide, both of you just moved on pretending that it never happened, moved on to another topic so as not to attract anyone's attention as an argument. "'Cause we're family"and you thought “This is not the right time to start unbundling things.“The problem is, you both got carried away with the seed of resentment towards each other. And resentment, unaddressed, has a tendency to grow. Each side of the conflict begins to look at each other through the prism of an unresolved issue. A smile becomes a manufactured facial expression. Mental accounting, who hit, how many times activates. And your attempt to diplomatically move away from the argument in order to avoid a big problem has led you into this problem. Not allowing resentment to build up with family members takes patience. When you want to deal with a problem on the spot, your relative may not be prepared for it. A simple thing you can do is start listening to the other side and, instead of trying to come up with counterarguments, make an effort to understand their point of view. See the world through their mental box. Once steamed, they could see your point of view. And finding in yourself the ability to recognize the point of view of other people, of course, makes you more than strangers.
6. You Do Your Part
In family relationships, it's easy to call another culprit. Take a moment and you will have no problem pointing out what they are doing wrong. For example, your father may not know how to express his feelings. Your brother can always talk about his only problems. Your mother may be convinced that she is always right. The list goes on. In addition, you can easily create a complete guide of simple tips on how they can contact you better. But, every time you have a desire to do just that, I think that each of these tips means you will do your part. For example, you might habitually mirror the same behavior without realizing it. Second, you can create the right environment for your family members to act exactly as they do. Do your part to take responsibility in strengthening family relationships, and not just be a passive recipient and occasional critic. This means that by asking yourself questions:
- How can I help escalate things that I want to avoid?
- How can I make it easier for me to complain later?
And, if you do your part by means of initiation, registration, visiting, or listening - what are you doing!
7. You Don't Have Infinite Time
No conversation about strengthening family relationships is complete without a reminder that these relationships are not endless. Sometimes, the people you used to see around become the ones that you take for granted. Although I understand very well with my mind that one day they will all die, putting it into practice is a completely different story. In the realm of business life, he becomes “I appreciate my family in general, but right now I don’t have time to talk to my parents.” A simple reminder to yourself that you don't have endless time with your family makes it clear that this is not about “in general”, but about "now". Because we can theorize and make mental notes about how to deal with relatives in various situations in the future. But nothing lays a stronger foundation for strengthening family relationships than recruiting a family member and saying "Hi" to them, right now.
Additional Tips to Help Strengthen Your Family Relationships
- How to increase family time? 13 Easy Ways You Can Try It Immediately
- How to prevent work from being a higher priority than spending time with family
- Can a dysfunctional family become functional?