Most couples break up, as evidenced by the fact that the divorce rate in Western countries is around 50%. This marriage statistic does not include couples who break up after a long relationship without ever getting married.
So why do so many relationships and marriages end in divorce?
While many relationships and marriages are short-lived, there are things you can do to save your marriage. In this article, I will explain how to salvage a failing marriage.
1. Take action early if you want to save your marriage
The most common mistake that many couples make is that they only start solving problems when the situation is already out of control (so sometimes it's too late to save their relationship).
I would like to urge you to take action as soon as possible. Don't wait until the state of your marriage becomes hopeless. Do something now while you both believe your relationship can be saved.
When you notice that something is wrong in your marriage, you need to do something about it immediately. This requires open and honest communication. Yes, it can seem daunting at times, but a happy and fulfilling relationship requires effective communication followed by purposeful action. If you start acting early enough, changing your relationship won't be that hard.
2. Realize that you often see things differently.
When you argue with your spouse, nine times out of ten you are trying to be right rather than choosing to be happy. Yes, you may be absolutely right... from your point of view. But if standing up for your point of view doesn't make you happy, what's the point of always being right?
Look for humor in situations where your opinions and perceptions differ. Studies have shown that our brain can perceive a situation in hundreds of different ways, so it's really a miracle that we understand each other and generally agree on everything!
Knowing ahead of time that your brain will often misinterpret things (as well as the intentions behind them), you can see the humor in the situation instead of taking a stance of resistance and stubbornly trying to prove you are right. Technically, you are both right from your point of view, so make it a priority to understand what your partner is trying to say and convey.
Often you will find yourself smiling at the absurdity of the position of resistance you are taking, but you can't seem to stop yourself from indulging your stubbornness. You can clearly see what your partner is trying to say, but you are too busy proving that his words are wrong and inconsistent with what he wants to say. You're too busy proving yourself right that you can't fix this relationship by sabotaging things before they get out of hand. Overindulgence in this childish game can get one or both of you emotionally aroused and get into a full blown argument... Simply because you wanted to prove yourself right.
Stop being petty and instead decide to enjoy different ways of expressing yourself. This will help prevent the problem from spiraling out of control and is an important step towards saving your marriage. The good news is that when you stop overreacting to the negative emotion, you will feel happier. And it's wonderful to choose to be happy rather than being right all the time. Hence the effective method of saving a falling apart marriage.
Using humor and stopping pettiness are effective ways to deal with minor issues in a marriage, and dating coach Matthew Hussey agrees. During an interview with NBC, Hussie says:
"The key to an amazing relationship is to never stop flirting with your partner and see them in a new light."
Using humor is one of the easiest ways to keep flirting, and you can use this technique to save your marriage any time your actions have created unnecessary tension between you.
3. Work on the three pillars of marriage
There are three pillars of a relationship: emotional connection, intimacy, and mutual benefit, which can also be called attraction alignment. When all three pillars are aligned in a marriage, the relationship is balanced, happy, and healthy.
When two pillars are well combined in a marriage, it is considered a very good marriage.
When one pillar in a marriage is going well, that marriage is still going strong.
You can evaluate which pillars (or pillars) need further work and improve those areas in order to save your marriage as soon as possible.
Pillar 1: Emotional Connection
First of all, if the emotional connection is not strong enough, you will often feel alienated and disconnected from your partner. This is when words and actions are most often misunderstood and disagreements escalate. This usually means that you are more focused on what you don't like about your partner than on what you love and appreciate about them.
There is a part of your brain that filters the millions of bytes of data coming in through your senses so you don't get overwhelmed. The problem is that these filters are defined and set by what you focus on the most and then make you notice more of it.
Are you focused on the best or worst outcome of your marriage? Where are your imaginary conversations taking you, towards a happy relationship with or away from your partner? Do you imagine your relationship falling apart, or are you disciplined by your mind to look for opportunities to create what you want?
To improve your emotional connection, remember to be careful with your choice of words and especially your tone of voice. Often it is the tone of your voice that causes your partner to react emotionally.
Praise and appreciate your partner's efforts and focus on achieving the best results for all stakeholders. Think ahead instead of constantly reliving past experiences when neither of you were at your best.
To improve your emotional connection, focus on supporting each other with your thoughts, words, and actions. Focus on creating what you want.
You can also create more shared events with your spouse, such as going away together for weekends or vacations, having regular date nights, and sharing your dreams for the future.
Pillar 2: Intimacy
Second, if things don't go well in the bedroom, it will eventually cause an emotional break and a possible loss of desire and attraction in one or both partners. To truly restore a happy emotional connection, it is necessary to build and maintain a satisfying sex life. Sex is what makes you more than just friends and is an essential component of a happy and healthy marriage.
We are not taught how to control our body sexually, so there is a lot of guesswork involved in sexual intercourse. This results in 40% of men and women suffering from common intimacy problems, and many couples forgo the opportunity to enjoy healthy and fulfilling intimate relationships.
Frankly, this is the real reason many couples don't have children. The reason they don't have kids is often not the reason they let others know on social media.
This is more than a message about what you want and need. If your partner does not know how to properly focus their attention, they will continue to have problems. For example, focusing too much on your partner will cause a man to lose a hard erection. For a fulfilling intimate life, both of you need to know how to increase your sexual stamina. This ensures that you can enjoy intimate time together and strengthen this important area of your relationship.
Building intimacy is something you both need to work on together.
Many women's desire is based on emotional connection, so it's important to take steps to stop sabotaging your happiness in the emotional and sexual aspects of your relationship.
Most men need sex like fish need water, and this is how they show their love and affection. If you abstain from sexual relationships because you lack an emotional connection, it could lead to a further breakup. You must be the adult here and make an effort to connect emotionally and intimately with your partner. Once you make the decision to stop resisting and start focusing on what you like and like about your partner, it will be easier for you to get closer.
Many couples stop working on their intimacy after several years of marriage, and marriages for sex are more common than many people think. This can lead to the fact that either partner ends the marriage or starts an affair. So if you want to save your marriage, make sure you work on the pillars of intimacy.
Pillar 3: Attractiveness Alignment
Why does the honeymoon end? Because we stop paying attention to all the details that attracted our partner in the first place!
NEVER settle down and expect your partner to remain attached to you. When you stop caring about yourself and/or become lazy in your attitude towards being the best version of yourself, you will begin to lose your partner's respect and admiration.
Psychologists say that the first thing people notice when they meet someone is that person's hair. Changing up your hair is an easy way to start regaining attractiveness and adding variety to a failing marriage. Jeanie Sales, author of "She was bisexual, argues that it would be wise for a woman to change her hairstyle every two years. She discovered this technique when her husband invited her to dinner with another couple. After dinner, her husband said, “I have known this couple for many years. This lady is very sweet, but she never changes her hairstyle.
In other words, men notice such things. As do women.
More precisely, when a woman pays attention to how she looks, men may or may not notice her attractiveness. But when a woman is stale, men notice it. The same goes for men. As women, we pay attention to our partner's physical appearance and the effort or lack thereof he (or she) makes to remain attractive to us.
Complacency is the number one relationship killer and should be avoided at all costs. This also includes your actions to fulfill the agreements in your relationship. If your partner mentions an issue that upsets them, I guarantee they have thought about it many times before speaking about it out loud. Respect the fact that they trust you enough to trust you, and then put in the effort to fix the problem in the long run.
Exploring new interests as a couple (and individually) is important for expanding your relationship, as well as developing and growing yourself as a person. Bringing novelty into your marriage can strengthen your emotional and intimate bond. For example, you can spice up your relationship by changing your hairstyle, taking your spouse to an exciting movie, and learning something new together, like salsa dance or a foreign language, etc.
I highly recommend attending dance classes together because this is how you learn to communicate with your partner with your bodies; it also helps restore emotional and sexual intimacy. This is especially effective when the two of you are learning tango, salsa, or other partner dances that require the male to be the male alpha leader in the dynamic. Then when you go out together and dance in public, there is a sense of pride and achievement, and a shared special bond that other couples don't have, which is absolutely magical.
4. If you cannot improve the quality of your marriage, hire a marriage counselor or relationship specialist.
The damage caused by unnecessary fights can damage your relationship beyond repair and lead to the breakup of your marriage. After one fight in a marriage, it takes at least three positive experiences for a couple to feel happy again. Thus, it is important to prevent disputes from arising.
Do you want to be right or happy? Using professional services to help you with your marriage is a smart move. But not everyone is ready to do this for various reasons.
For example, when Kate Northrup and her husband Mike Watts fought frequently in their marriage after the birth of their first daughter, she asked him to go with her to a marriage counselor. In fact, when they got married, Kate had already told Mike that if there was anything wrong with their marriage, they would need to seek help.
At first, Mike was reluctant to go to a family counselor after their frequent fights, as many men feel that asking for help is a sign of weakness. But later, Mike realized that asking for help actually shows his strength, because if something does not work out in his career, he turns to a career consultant. Therefore, if something does not work in his marriage, he should contact a family counselor.
So, Kate and Mike consulted with a marriage counselor and now they are still happily married.
Unfortunately, not everyone is happy to seek professional advice when a marriage falls apart. But this world would be a much better place if all couples experiencing marital problems received professional help.
When considering the value and cost of getting professional help to save your marriage, consider that the average wedding costs $10 and the average divorce costs much more. Therapy can become a much cheaper option.
5. When Compatibility and Chemistry Are Missing, You Might Consider Moving On
Sometimes ending a marriage is the wisest decision. Yes, I understand that saving a marriage is paramount in most cases, but not every marriage needs to be saved. It may be more important to keep your sanity when your marriage lacks compatibility and chemistry.
Compatibility means that you and your spouse have the same, similar, or compatible value systems, which can improve communication in your relationship. Let me explain.
If both you and your spouse love to read books on personal development, it means that you probably have similar values, that is, knowledge and self-improvement.
Another example of a similar value system: you love to cook and your spouse loves wine - you both appreciate gourmet culture.
As far as compatible value systems go, it could be something like you love to write and your spouse loves movies. In this situation, when you write, your spouse can watch movies. You don't have to do the same or similar things together, but your interest doesn't negatively impact your spouse's interest.
However, many couples have incompatible value systems. For example, a highly spiritual, health-conscious, ethical person with no interest in football is married to an atheist party-goer who drinks a lot of alcohol and spends most of his free time in bars and watching football. Over time, resentment can grow, as they have few common interests to talk about.
In terms of chemistry, I know I mentioned that you can improve intimacy in the bedroom. Yes, most people can work on their intimacy skills in the bedroom and rekindle their passion as well as a happy and healthy relationship. But no one can guarantee that 100% of couples will act to restore a happy and fulfilling sex life. This may be due to the fact that one of the partners refuses help due to feelings of embarrassment.
If your partner is unwilling or unable to step forward to satisfy you, this will ultimately affect your level of emotional connection and desire for that person. While it may seem like hard work or an emotional barrier you need to overcome, putting in the effort for your partner is often the single most important step in saving your marriage.
When compatibility, values, chemistry, and the desire to work together to save your marriage are all gone, it's time to end the marriage and move on.
However, remember that life is a journey. Every relationship you have will help you better understand how to create the life you truly want.