Esther Perel says we need two things in a relationship: stability—knowing that your partner supports you—and desire.
Unfortunately, stability kills desire. And vice versa, what creates desire? Risk.
At the beginning of a relationship, we have a lot of risks. What if your heart is broken, what if the other person doesn’t like you as much as him? Is this the one? Are you wasting your time?
In the early stages of romance, there is a thrill of the chase. It excites and creates butterflies, an intoxicating feeling of love. Love conquers all.
This new love high usually lasts for 1-2 years, and then we settle down and feel comfortable in a stable relationship.
While stability is important and necessary for a relationship to be successful, it is not very exciting. We have a home to take care of and bills to pay. This is not the sexual side of a relationship. We cannot always agree on things that can cause additional stress and tension in the relationship.
Is it normal to be bored in a relationship?
It’s completely normal for your relationship to get boring at some point, and it’s not your fault.
We work hard to find the one. The person who completes us, what then? We live happily ever after in a blissful state of oneness, of course. That’s what we learned from fairy tales and Hollywood. Most of us were never taught how to maintain a relationship, and we didn’t have great role models to show us how to keep the romance and passion alive.
Unfortunately, they don’t teach this in school and most of us haven’t gotten a handbook. Although, they probably should, considering the divorce rate in the US still hovers around 50%.
Why do relationships become boring and lose their shine over time?
At the beginning of our relationship, we put so much effort into wooing our potential partner; planning events, experiences, and even surprises for each other. We go to dinner and talk for hours because we have so much to share and learn about each other. We have fascinating conversations about everything, breathing in and diving into each other’s essence.
Then life happens. We settle into our daily lives and routines, maybe throw a few kids in, and the busyness of life makes it easy for us to put our most important relationships on the back burner.
Date nights have now been replaced by dinner and a movie, if we get out of the house at all. I get it, you’ve been working hard all week and planning a date probably feels overwhelming, and throwing on your pajama order and watching Netflix is the path of least resistance.
When the word “date” or “hookup” is mentioned, most people conjure up images of single people dating and looking for that special someone. We, as a society, rarely think beyond the fact that we should never stop dating our spouse or long-term partner.
The reason many relationships become routine and boring is because couples stop dating each other. It’s that simple.
Giving a relationship too little time can be the downfall of the relationship. It’s easy to be intentional at the beginning of a relationship, but over time, if you’re not paying attention, it’s easy to fall into a relationship rut.
How long does it take for a relationship to become boring?
We’ve all heard of the seven-year itch. The estimated time when a couple’s happiness begins to wane.
Every couple is different, and it all comes down to how exciting you keep your relationship. If you quickly fall into the habit of doing the same boring things, you will get bored with the relationship faster. However, if you are committed to avoiding this routine and intentionally keeping the excitement in your relationship, you can avoid boredom for the most part.
Relationships have their ebbs and flows, and of course, sometimes your relationship will be more interesting. The problem comes when your relationship becomes stale for a long time.
In most relationship studies, romantic love fades over time and we lose the butterflies we had in the beginning. A relationship study conducted by Dr. Arthur Aron of New York University at Stony Brook found that novelty or trying new things can trigger courtship chemical spikes and can significantly increase relationship satisfaction with consistent practice.
Life can be messy, and even great relationships can get stale and boring at times; that’s totally normal. You don’t risk giving up on a relationship if you know about it and have a plan to get out of the rut when you see it.
What to do if you have lost that feeling of love
Of course, schedule a date! I’m a huge fan of surprise dates. In fact, I recommend it to my clients. Make sure to schedule one surprise date for your partner each month, and have them schedule one surprise date for you each month.
An interactive date or date night is preferable. Then when you have a bite to eat, you will have something to talk about, the new experience you just created together.
When was the last time you had a really good conversation? A conversation that didn’t involve work or kids?
Sharing new experiences gives you something new to talk about after the date. It’s great to print out some date questions. You can find some great ones online, or another option is Couples Tablet: Conversation Starters for More Inspiration.
You can make it light with something like, “If you had a superpower, what would it be?” to something deeper like, “If today were the last time we saw each other, what would you want me to know?” These probing questions will help you understand your partner and yourself better.
The great thing about taking turns planning dates for each other is that you get rid of the age-old question, “What do you want to do tonight?” which is usually followed by, “I don’t know what you want to do?” Then, after 45 minutes of discussion, you can do nothing.
This is the secret sauce of a surprise date. Just tell your date when to be ready and what to wear, and there will be no arguing or resistance. No throwing out date ideas. Just adding novelty and doing something different together to enhance the connection and romance.
Once a month you give the gift of adventure and surprise, and once a month you get to sit back, relax, and enjoy a date.
If you’re on a budget, no problem. There are plenty of free date ideas. Some of my favorites include building a tent over your bed, going on a scavenger hunt, or taking dance lessons using free YouTube videos.
If you’re still hungry for date inspiration, check out 32 Cheap and Uniquely Fun Date Ideas for Couples , it’s filled with date ideas you can do on any budget.
Final Thoughts
When your relationship becomes stale, you may think that the solution is to find a new, more exciting one, which is an easy way, but it is only a temporary solution.
If you continue to follow the same patterns in your new relationship, you are bound to find yourself in the same predicament months or years from now.
Although relationships take effort, they are very rewarding when you have a good relationship. I hope you create an amazing relationship and never settle for good enough.
Innovation in relationships is the key to avoiding boredom and ensuring that your relationship is long lasting and lasts a lifetime.
One of my favorite quotes from Tony Robins:
“If you do what you did at the beginning of the relationship, there will be no end.”
Create the relationship of your dreams by intentionally adding novelty and surprises through interactive dating. You’ll be glad you did!