Codependency has become a buzzword in our society, hailing from the field of addiction. In the field of psychology, it remains unclear what the symptoms of a codependent relationship are, how to identify them, where they come from, and what you can do about it.
Read on to learn more about codependency and learn 10 signs that you are codependent. relationshipand what you can do about it.
What is codependency?
Research has attempted to quantify, categorize, and define codependency because it seems to permeate so many different types of relationships and so many people around the world. However, as a clear definition ceases to exist, it is difficult to get an accurate number of people who struggle with it.
Organizations such as Co-Dependents Anonymous point to codependency as a "disease" and provide a safe place for those who struggle in their relationships. However, they make it clear that they do not provide a clear definition or diagnostic criteria for identifying codependency. The common denominator seems to be that those who self-identify as "co-dependent" often come from a dysfunctional family and exhibit "learned helplessness" characteristics.
10 Signs You're in a Codependent Relationship
If there is no clear definition, how do you know if you are in a co-dependent relationship? Codependency can be defined by evaluating your own behavior, not the behavior of the person with whom you are in a relationship. By identifying certain thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that you tend to engage in, you can begin to identify any tendencies that exhibit codependent characteristics.
Here are 10 signs you might be in a codependent relationship.
1. It's hard to say "no"
Codependents find it difficult to say “no” in their relationships. They are often afraid of being rejected or abandoned, so they say yes to their partners because they don't have the confidence to say no. This can manifest itself in all areas of a relationship, whether it be financial decisions, parenting together, setting goals, or sexual intimacy. Codependents will by default "walk all over the body" or "bulldoze" by their partner and will not have the opportunity to empower or assert themselves.
2. You find yourself doing things you don't want to.
Codependents are afraid that their partner will throw them. They end up doing things they don't want to just to keep their partner from leaving. They desperately need approval, attention, and acceptance from their partner and are willing to do anything not to jeopardize his departure from them. They lack the capacity for self-esteem. They put their partner's opinions and judgments above their own beliefs about themselves. This can lead codependents to compromise personal morality and values in order to gain the approval of a controlling partner.
3. You feel obligated to help your partner solve problems and be needed.
We need codependents. Their entire self-worth depends on how valuable their relationship partner is. If they can be useful, then they are appreciated. Codependents often give in more than expected and try to be "helpful" and solve their partner's problems. Ultimately, they care more about their partner's life than his partner. This leads to their partner judging them even more because codependents will try their best if they fail.
4. You think and feel responsible for the other person.
When codependents try to solve their partner's problems, they take responsibility for his life. This leads to a sense of responsibility for everything that happens or doesn't happen to their partner. This over-involvement absolves their partner of responsibility for their lives and places the blame solely on the codependents for everything that happens. Taking responsibility for something you can't change perpetuates the codependency cycle, creating the feeling that "if I could just do more or do it better, my partner would love me."
5. You tend to anticipate your partner's needs and over-sacrifice.
Codependents who take responsibility for their partner's life need to be constantly on guard. They must anticipate their partner's needs before their partner can ask for anything. This leads to excessive vigilance and hyperreaction towards the partner. This causes resentment on the part of the partner, who is constantly under scrutiny, which often leads to abandonment of the relationship.
6. You seek to please your partner in front of you.
Codependents think little of themselves and their needs. When a partner's needs are constantly put ahead of their own, the only source of approval is to please the partner. Often, codependents don't realize what they really want and how they feel because so much of their life is focused on someone other than themselves. Thus, there is no benefit in indulging yourself. In fact, they feel selfish or waste time they think should be spent on their partner.
7. You feel that events and situations in your relationship are under control.
If the codependent partner's needs are not being met, the codependent will often be controlled by their partner using coercive tactics, advice, or manipulation designed to create feelings of helplessness and guilt in the codependent. Thus, the role of the codependent is controlled by their partner, and the addiction is reinforced.
8. You desperately seek your partner's love and approval.
Basic needs for companionship and approval, when not met in childhood, carry over into adult relationships with the belief that “if my partner gives me love and approval, then and only then am I fine.” This false belief creates a situation where a person transfers his power to a partner.
They do not believe in their own evaluation of themselves and their own worth. They do not trust their feelings and do not know how to make the right choice. This allows the partner to make decisions but not take responsibility for the outcome of those decisions.
For example, if their partner tells them to quit a job, end a friendship, or stop pursuing a hobby, it won't affect the partner's life, but the codependent person's life will become smaller and less satisfying. This perpetuates the cycle, because now co-addicts need to focus less and give more attention and energy to their partner, who becomes the only thing they have left in their world. This increases the desperation, trying to make sure that the partner gives them approval even more. It also creates a distorted notion that no one will ever love them again.
9. You pretend things aren't as bad as they are.
When a person no longer trusts his feelings and relies on the opinion of his partner, he can no longer trust his own views and experiences. They believe that they are the problem and that if things go wrong, they are the reason why it is so. They minimize reality to avoid having to make changes. If they can pretend that things aren't so bad, then they won't have to do anything differently. After all, if there are no problems, then there is no reason to fix them.
Another thing is that codependents perceive time differently. If it's not happening right now, then it never happened. The feeling is, “If I’m okay now, then I’ve always been fine and didn’t really have this problem” or “it must be my imagination or overreaction.”
Codependents will convince themselves that they even agree with the problem in order to avoid conflict or change. “It should be normal for my partner not to go out at night, not to call or quit his job for the third time this year, not to spend money and not pay bills.” Again, this perpetuates the cycle and co-dependents will work even harder to pay for everything except being mistreated because they think that's all they deserve.
10. You do not trust yourself, your feelings, decisions and failure to fulfill your obligations to a partner.
Ultimately, codependency is learned in childhood. There is a discrepancy between what the person is feeling and what they have been told to think about their feelings. They are told over and over again that their feelings cannot be trusted in very subtle but consistent ways. They heard things like "you're too sensitive", "you shouldn't feel this way", "your feelings are ridiculous", or "no one else thinks that way".
They believe that something is wrong with their feelings, not that there is something wrong with what they are told. The crux of the problem is that there is no authenticity or truth to these messages, and the main point of reporting that you don't trust your feelings is to give up your power and throw you off balance.
If one does not trust one's feelings or one's worldview, one should yield to someone they think is more capable and more aware of what is best for them.
What to do if you notice these signs?
If you're experiencing any of these signs, or if you recognize that you're in a codependent relationship, there's a lot you can do.
First, try to find areas of your life that involve little emotional risk and become very aware of how you feel and use those feelings to make small decisions. For example, ask yourself what color shirt you want to wear today and whether you prefer an apple or a banana.
Connect with the feeling first - become conscious and be curious. Why do I want to wear red? Where did this feeling come from? Now that I wear red, does it still feel like it matches the original feeling? Learn to trust your feelings again. Also notice how often you don't say what you really feel or just don't tell the truth. Codependency and lies are partners. If lying is the problem, then knowing the truth is the solution, and knowing the problem of lying is the beginning of the way out.
You can also try keeping a diary. You will be amazed at how much you are connected to your inner wisdom and the truth you lose by saying words you don't mean or even out loud that you can keep in writing. What's more, meditation can also be a powerful tool to help rewire your brain so it learns to trust itself again. Finally, find someone you can trust or a therapist to more clearly address any distorted thought patterns that are causing you to get stuck in codependency.